I have to admit that I’ve been out of my element for quite awhile. I’m bewildered, frustrated, contemplative, hesitant, timid, uncertain, rebellious, and several other adjectives that aren’t generally used to describe me. What’s been causing this you may ask? Well, if you’ve followed this blog lately you’ll know that I am struggling with my role in ministry and what lies ahead for me. For the first time in my 4 year journey as a church planter in training I am questioning whether this is what God is intending for me. Specifically, my heart for church planting is there and my passion lies in seeing God transform the lives of those that were deemed to be unchangable. It’s other factors in my home life that have caused me to question this as I truly believe my wife and I were called as a team to plant together. That God would connect her gifts with my gifts (which are quite different) for the glory of God.
However, as I pray–sometimes fasting and praying–and waiting on God’s voice, I find that there is no response. I feel distant from God. Thus I am not acting within my comfort zone as I feel like I’ve lost the assurance I was working under previously. I do not want to go ahead of God or act in such a way that I am not seeking his will and following the path he has directed me to. Hence, the timidness, confusion, etc.
I was praying and meditating and something has been getting my attention this week. It seems that everyone God is connecting me to in ministry lately seems to be Asian-American. I’ve engaged in conversation and debate with several new friends in Asian-American ministry and without exception they all feel that there is a need to develop such ministry in the future, but I have been fighting that trend believing that God wanted me to reach out to all people, regardless of ethnicity or color, and help unite them in Christ. Now, I am questioning that…a lot! Why would God connect me with these people? Is it to keep me convicted in the vision I believe he gave me, or is it his way of speaking to me and answering my prayers for direction through these discussions?
All roads seems to be leading me to explore what my role could be in an Asian-American ministry could be, yet I hesitate and resist. Then, another incident compounded this. My senior pastor tells me last night in our bible study that he saw a comment from Dave Gibbons on my Facebook profile and that he went to seminary with, and served alongside in a church with him. Pastor Gibbons has been getting a lot of attention with what God has been doing through Newsong church and was someone that many had mentioned to me as somebody to look at as an example of multi-cultural ministry within the context of being Asian-American.
So, when all roads seem to lead to the same place, but I still feel I want to resist going in that direction, I need to stop and pause, give praise to God, and start looking into this for real and as a possible way that God is speaking to me through others. Unfortunately, I can’t jump into this belieiving it is the direction I’ve been waiting for, but I pray that this will be an important aspect of the discernment process and that this will cause some things to begin to take shape in my marriage to help us be more unified. Please pray for me in this time of listening and discernment, and please pray for my wife and I to come together and experience ministry in harmony and in love and in ways that God can use us to help see other lives transformed by the power of his gospel.
