There’s a thorn in my side I can’t seem to ignore.
It has a name. It has a face.
I can see it clearly. I focus my energy on relieving it.
Is it what I see? That which angers me?
Is it a thorn in my side or a plank in my eye?
18
Oct 11
Tuesday…
As I write this, it’s a Tuesday. Same as any other day. Yet, somehow this one feels different. I have a lot on my mind and things seem to be going in several different directions. I’m at an intersection and the light is about to turn green. My foot won’t let off the brake pedal.
10
Oct 11
Living in uncertain times
At the moment, I do not really know how I feel about things. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do not know if my past experiences will be used to correct my future. I’m not used to this. Usually, my life is figured out for me. I’m definitely feeling uncomfortable.
Having been involved in pastoral ministry for 6 years prior to going back into sales/management many people ask me if I will go back to being a pastor. I don’t have that answer. Having moved so much in the past two years, people have asked me how long I’ll be in my current city. I tell them I do not know.
Things for me are uncertain these days. It’s not like me to stay in this situation for long, yet I feel like I’ve been here forever. For some crazy reason, I just don’t care to know any more. I don’t feel like I’m in a rut. I’m not angry over my circumstances. I guess I need to be at peace in the moment and not worry about tomorrow. Is this how the rest of world gets by every day… without sensing a clear direction and moving forward at all costs? I never imagined I could feel content in what is such an uncomfortable state for me to experience. Maybe it’s the calm before the storm?
Father God, thank you for all that you do for me. May you open my eyes to realize the beauty that is to be experienced in this moment. Set my sights on you and how I can know you--and trust you--more and more. Thank you for my family and my friends that encourage me and let me give back to them when possible. If tomorrow never comes, may I be at peace and not feel as if I lack anything or fall short of any goals. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
08
Oct 11
In memory of my mother’s birthday without her…
It’s 7:45pm on a Saturday as I tap this out on my Macbook. No blogger in their right mind would publish something on a Saturday night like this. Especially when I committed to write some posts for a friend’s blog that I am overdue on. However, this one is for me and needs not be read by anyone else. I’m doing this one to dull the pain I feel as I remember my mom on her birthday. That’s all I can do since she passed away 3 years ago and is no longer here to celebrate it with me. I still remember her face as I tried to be strong for her as she gasped her last breath in the hospital on May 27, 1998. I remember trying to reconcile in my mind that I would see her again in the future when my time here was done. I think about how much pain I felt as my mother passed away before my eyes, and how helpless and alone I felt. There was no joy in my heart that day three years ago. There was no anger either. I was overcome with an emptiness that I cannot describe. It continued for almost a year before I would get over not having my mother here with me.
In retrospect, there was much to celebrate about her and many, many fond memories. She was one of the strongest people I have ever known, even surviving two bouts of breast cancer and an aortic ulcer that claimed 2/3 of her stomach only to die from a stupid infection that had no cure. However, it was hard to remember the joys I experienced with my mom because of the pain I carried with me. I still can’t shake that deep pain within me when I think of her. The pain is causing me to drip tears on my keyboard as I type.
Growing up as an atheist, my mom always encouraged me to never give in to the notion that there was a god, let alone God. She pushed me hard in life to excel and be the best I could be never showing weakness or a need for others. Her love for me wasn’t shown in hugs or praises. A lot of who my mom was is evident in me. I’m sure a lot of the stories my daughters would tell of me, would sound exactly like stories I would tell of my mom as a parent. However, I always knew she loved me. I always knew she would give everything she had to help me.
At the end of this month I celebrate 7 years with the Lord. It was in October 2004 that I realized God was real and called me into a relationship with him and his son Jesus. I don’t know if he ever did the same for my mom. I wonder sometimes if that is the source of the pain that never goes away when I think of my mom. To not know whether I will be reunited with her again in spirt kills me some days. I’ve done my best to find comfort in the Scriptures that give cause to believe we will be together again. However, I don’t think I’ve fully trusted God to know this with all of my heart. My mom and I had many conversations about my newfound faith and my new life as a pastor. We also had conversations where my mom would tell me that she would be outside talking to the stars and the moon and speaking things into being. She never affirmed a belief in God or asked me the questions that led me to believe she was seeking him. At the moment my mom passed away, I really have no idea what she believed or whether God was there to accept her into his arms or not. I guess I should be angry at God for having me at this crossroads. Maybe I should question a faith that would allow me to consider that I may go to heaven, yet my beautiful, strong, giving, caring and loving mother may not have. Yet, I just can’t do that. Instead, I do my best to find solace in what I’ve come to believe and look forward to a day where there will be no more pain or sadness. In that day, I pray that my mother will be there waiting for me. That I will see her and my dad standing there ready to pick up where we left off. I don’t know what to expect, and for this my heart aches.
Mommy, I love you. I hope that I was able to show you just how much before I lost you. You’d be so proud of your granddaughters Megan and Samantha. They are doing so well and we share stories of our times with you often. We miss you and hope that you are experiencing absolute peace and joy and that we will be with you soon enough, next time to never have to be apart ever again. Charlotte sends her love as well. Happy Birthday Mommy. Love, Dave
03
Oct 11
On doing good and the church
I read a new study released by The Barna Group on Six Reasons Young Christians Leave The Church. Again, it’s another statistic that saddens me. I am beyond being classified as young right now, but I totally relate to what this study found:
- Churches seem overprotective.
- Teens’ and twentysomethings’ experience of Christianity is shallow.
- Churches come across as antagonistic to science.
- Young Christians’ church experiences related to sexuality are often simplistic, judgmental.
- They wrestle with the exclusive nature of Christianity.
- The church feels unfriendly to those who doubt.
I can already hear a lot of so called “mature Christians” looking at the study and condemning younger Christians as being shallow. Heck, it even states that in reason #2! However, it’s not just young Christians that feel this way. How many times have we spoken to someone about attending a church service only to hear the response, “Church just isn’t relevant to me. I have a personal relationship with God and I don’t need to go to a place where all they want to do is take my money and ask me for my time.” I hear stories like this about the church far too often. It’s particularly saddening to me though when it applies to the younger generation. Mainly because the younger generation may find the church irrelevant because they aren’t hearing answers to their questions as shown in Scripture or they just find it boring. I think the two go hand-in-hand.
The contemporary church moves towards seeking to connect with people through modern, guitar-driven music and dynamic preaching. In the end, I feel it’s better-suited to drawing in Boomers rather than Millenials. If the church fails to connect with the younger generation, how does that play out for our future?
The reason this is on my mind and weighing heavy in my heart is that I have been sensing a call to action lately. A lot of passions lie outside of what typically is viewed as taking place within the church and after being engaged in so many conversations about how many people feel they are close to God, yet distance themselves completely from the church makes me wonder if doing good outside the church may be my future.
As I look at my life, I had an experience with God that had nothing to with sitting in a church service and feeling convicted or being at a low point in my life where I was seeking strength and hope. However, I truly believe that God still wants to move through his people and is using the local church to affect transformation in our cities. It’s time that the church woke up to the change in the next generations and take what is good and shed what is not so good. Catering to the whims of Gen Y Christians isn’t the answer though. If you look deeply at what the Barna study states and what I hear from people on the street every day is that they would find church relevant if they truly experienced an encounter with God as they gather together. If they could serve in ways that made a difference, without judgement and chose to answer questions rather than force what is deemed as truth on a disconnected audience, the local church could experience revival. The awesome thing about this would be that it isn’t just going to be relevant to young people. It could be a multi-generational movement of amazing proportions with God in the midst and evidenced through the church’s story.
Obviously, there is a place for ministries of all shapes and sizes and there is definitely a need for people/orgs that will focus on specific areas of need to do good. In the end, the most glaring question to me is this: If the church really did what it seems like it was called to do, would the need for so many organizations exist? If we weren’t bombarded with so many calls for compassion on tv/radio/print media/social media to commit our time and resources to a cause every few seconds each and every day, would we respond differently? Would the world be a different place? Could it be a better place?
My call to action is not a calling or a vision that mandates me to something… yet. I am feeling something is about to change, and this time I don’t think I’ll have the energy to fight against it. This time, I don’t think I’ll feel like I’m in it alone.
