I’m sitting here pondering several things. My mind needs rest, yet it focuses on things at a million miles an hour. Mostly I’m thankful to have finally had a full day off from work. I’ve been pushing myself the past few months--chasing after some goals and trying to make up financially for the many months I was running negative cash flow.

Today, the most thought-provoking thing on my mind is friends. Each one, by name, has been cycling through my thoughts. For some, our time has come and gone and I wish you well. I reach out to you, yet you do not respond. I’ll think of you always, but obviously you have moved on. For others, no matter what I do, I feel we are connected for life and I spent time being thankful for you. Then, there are the friends that were connected for a brief time that have left me thinking the most today. For some of them, I wonder what could have been had our time together lasted longer. For some I wonder if we’ll ever get connected back again as I feel our chapter in time has not been completed. For some, I hold on and wait--not sure what to do or where we stand.

This is what my brain is feeding me on this Sunday night…

I’m a very transparent person. If you follow me on twitter, friended me on facebook, or are a regular reader of this blog you basically know where I’m at in life and what my mood is like at any given time. It wasn’t always like this. I never used to share anything with anybody regarding personal matters, struggles or even accomplishments. I was a very private person.

These days, I probably share too much and at times it probably seems like I share too often. However, know that it is really, really hard for me to do this. To invite someone into my messy journey is such a foreign thing for me. I’m so used to sucking it up and dealing with it on my own--believing that it’s my struggle and my ability that will get me through it--that to do anything differently feels like such a risk. What’s mine is mine and should remain out of sight from others and resolved without any help. At times I feel like I make my burden someone else’s burden when I even tell them what I’m going through or calling upon them to pray with me.

God has laid a heavy task on me. He has called me to him and requires that I rely on him--and not myself--to make it down the path he has laid before my feet. For many this may seem like an easy thing to do. For some, it may seem like a necessity in order to be deemed a Christian. Take responsibility away from oneself and put it at the feet of Christ. To me, this is like trusting someone else with my own life. It’s scary, weird, and extremely difficult. It’s the cross I carry everyday. What’s mine is mine I keep telling myself.

For my friends that have hung around long enough to endure some of my burden, it is as if you were Jesus to me. Your support and encouragement and listening ears have helped me with my struggle on many occasions. One day I hope to be able to trust completely in my God and his promises, but because of where I’ve been, it’s hard to let go of the rope. What’s mine should be his, only made mine because with his help I can make it through the day. I am being changed and shaped for a life that I may not recognize, but it’s one that I desire. A life that transforms me from being mine to being his. To be in a relationship with God where I can trust him with my life even in the most mundane of things. There is hope.

It seems that when I re-started my twitter account a few weeks ago--taking it from 1800+ followers down to 0--it caused a lot of confusion. Therefore, I figured an explanation was in order.

It had nothing to do with spammers or bots following me. I have been pretty good about keeping up with those. It was just a personal decision I made based on the way I use twitter. You see, I use twitter to develop and facilitate conversation and relationships. It’s a great networking tool that has kept me in constant contact with the friends I cherish from the first The Idea Camp in Irvine, CA in February 2009. To have connected with most of them on twitter and then having a chance to meet them in-person was great. Some people I had met in-person at The Idea Camp were then connected afterwards via twitter. I value my friendships and appreciate having a tool to stay connected with them in-between times when I can make it out to meetups with them. Along the way I have connected with over 1,700 other people on twitter. What I’ve found is this: my twitter connections seem to have seasons. Some people will connect heavily for awhile, then disappear. Others will connect once or twice and then stop. Then some, like my The Idea Camp tribe of friends, will stay connected forever. Using lists and tweetdeck columns just wasn’t working for me. In fairness, what’s the point of following someone on twitter if I never engage (or in many cases, even see) their tweets? To me, twitter is like community. Community is engagement. Community is sharing and living life together. Therefore, rather than try to scan through 1,800+ followers and decipher who was really engaged with my tweets and who really could care less, I figured the best thing to do was to just start over. I’m sure many people that followed me previously put me in some column that they never looked at anymore and were still following out of courtesy. Well, now they have been released and given the option to intentionally follow me back if they want. If not, no worries!

For me, if I can have less than 200 people I follow on twitter and have them follow me in return because we share in community, then that would be ideal. I don’t need to broadcast to the masses and my worth and influence aren’t measured by the number of my twitter followers. As seasons change, my follow/followers change as well. It’s just the nature of life and community.

Twitter is now manageable for me once again and I feel much better connected to my friends now vs 6 months ago. If you followed me in the past and thought you were still following me, chances are you are not. If you haven’t realized that you have not seen a tweet from me in about 3 weeks and haven’t wondered what happened, then you are probably one of those people that stopped caring anyways. Maybe it just slipped your mind.

My best wishes to you all as you transition through your changing seasons as well.

Not only is it unbelievably humbling to know that I have friends who care about me and are willing to support me--or sternly warn me when I need it--it’s amazingly freeing to be able to collaborate with them. Having someone there to talk to or to speak into my life is super-important, but having people I care about be on my team to collaborate in life is what I get most of my relationships people.

I first recognized this when I was in seminary. We broke up into groups and were strategizing about various elements that make up a church service. For those of you that don’t know my story, I was an atheist that had never attended church for the first 37 years of my life. Once I gave my life to Christ just before my 38th birthday, I enrolled in a seminary 4 months later and started serving in ministry. So, my understanding of the church or the Bible was ridiculously small as I entered seminary. Anyway, we’re sitting around talking about Sunday morning worship, and the dialog was all about music. I stopped everyone and asked this simple question: When people in ministry talk about worship, is it always in the context of music? First, everyone looked at me dumbfounded that I had asked that and it made me feel like an idiot. Then, someone in our group verbalized that I had not been involved in the church or ministry prior to being at seminary, but that it was an interesting question since people in the church tend to take things for granted. Maybe the church should think outside of the box and ask how their ministry is relating to people that have no church background. In hindsight, I appreciated the fact that I could change the course of thought for a moment to get people out of their comfort zone, but initially I got overwhelmed, felt really small, and talked to the dean that afternoon about quitting. I jut felt so out of place and so unequipped to study with people that were so far ahead of me it seemed like it would take me several lifetimes just to catch up.

One of the people in that discussion was David Meysembourg. We met that first day of seminary 6 years and even though he lives in Ohio and I live in Oregon, we have stayed connected. David has so much wisdom and experience and such a love for others that he still intimidates today just like he did back on that first day of seminary. However, rather than look down upon or take me under his wing and try to educate me, he came alongside me and encouraged me. He trusted that God was working in me and that God had equipped me to go where his vision was leading me. He thanked me for my enthusiasm and my willingness to hang in there. He committed to be by my side from that first day. He has been everything and more to me! He was there for me the day I didn’t even know where to find the Lord’s Prayer in the Bible, and he’s there for me today. We have shared a bunch of our junk (mostly me sharing my junk with him), but our friendship is much more than that. We talk about where we are at in ministry, what the future looks like, how things are with our families. We don’t seek to answer each other problems, we talk through what it looks like to go through our issues together. David deserves to be held in high regard as one who has much more wisdom and experience and is better-equipped in many ways to lead people than I am. However, he always makes me feel like he sees us on the same level and never looks at me for what I accomplish or how I fail. Although distance separates us, it is as if we are together…working together.

When I think about all that Christ has suffered on my behalf I know that I come before him everyday not deserving his sacrifice. I will celebrate that sacrifice together with others this coming Sunday on Easter. However, I also recognize that I don’t deserve people in my life such as David Meysembourg, yet he is there for me, ready to stand at my side and dig in with me. While I know I can love others because Christ first loved me, I can do it much more effectively because of my first hand experience of watching Christ live in my friend David.

I was reminded this morning as I reflected on my top 5 strengths (Based on the Clifton Strengthsfinder profile you can read about here) of how important meaningful friendships are in my life. My number 2 strength is Relator and here is how Clifton describes it:

Relator describes your attitude toward your relationships. In simple terms, the Relator theme pulls you toward people you already know. You do not necessarily shy away from meeting new people—in fact, you may have other themes that cause you to enjoy the thrill of turning strangers into friends—but you do derive a great deal of pleasure and strength from being around your close friends. You are comfortable with intimacy. Once the initial connection has been made, you deliberately encourage a deepening of the relationship. You want to understand their feelings, their goals, their fears, and their dreams; and you want them to understand yours. You know that this kind of closeness implies a certain amount of risk—you might be taken advantage of—but you are willing to accept that risk. For you a relationship has value only if it is genuine. And the only way to know that is to entrust yourself to the other person. The more you share with each other, the more you risk together. The more you risk together, the more each of you proves your caring is genuine. These are your steps toward real friendship, and you take them willingly.

I am exactly as this description states for Relators. I want to understand others feelings, goals, fears, dreams and I want them to understand mine. I don’t necessarily seek approval from friends and they won’t always agree with me anyway, but I definitely want them to understand me and especially understand my intentions. I think it’s one of the reasons why I’ve learned to over-communicate things. In addition, I do deliberately encourage deepening relationships with people. It reminds me of a re-connection I made this week with a lost friend named Tina Andrews.

Tina is one of those people that is always so vibrant and enthusiastic when she speaks. Her tone of voice just makes me stand at attention and hinge on every word as I know there is always something I can take away in her words aside from intended response. She’s one of those people that I happened to meet by chance with the idea of doing business together, yet once I realized who she was and what she had accomplished I started asking myself what the heck she would do continuing a relationship with me outside of business. She always had time for my calls and email and even to connect for lunch. You see, Tina and I operate in different worlds. We are uniquely different, yet I think we both share traits within the aspect of being Relators. We lost touch for years, yet at the right time we were re-connected and seemed to pick up where we left off.

Ultimately, one of my goals in business was always to do business with those people I cared for and who respected and appreciated me for more than what I could do for their bottom line. I have been graced with the ability to say that I have several people like Tina Andrews that have proven to be friend first, client a distant second place. I missed her and I miss having more friends like her in my life. Unfortunately, not everyone is open to such relationships and sometimes their junk (or mine) gets in the way. For me it’s not to consider what could have been, but to realize that there appointed times and people that I will be able to foster relationships with and that I can expect everyone to be receptive to my nature as a Relator. Today, I am thankful for people in my life like Tina that didn’t give up on me and took the one extra step required to have us connected once again.

As you know by now, so much has happened in the past two months to radically turn my life upside-down. Things are coming at me from all angles and I’ve tried to do my best to discern which things were of God, which were of me, and which were from the force that I don’t want any credit given to. I’m leaving the state I grew up in for the first time in my life. For the first time in my 21 years as a father, I will be separated from my two daughters by about 700 miles and it kills me.

Through all of the things I’ve done to devote my attention to my situation, I was put on hold to pause and listen to the story of a friend. While seated at my dining table my friend talked about how tired she was. She has been in a straight commission job with a lot of expenses associated with it in an industry that has slowed way down the past 3 years. Her father-in-law is in his 80′s and he has lived with her and her husband for the past year, since her mother-in-law passed away. Her father-in-law is elderly, bitter, and full of negativity. My friend tries to please him constantly, but he’s never appreciative. She was kind of venting and I was doing my best to be there to just listen. My friend then started explaining the circumstances surrounding the passing of her mother-in-law. It came with no warning and took place in her home. Her mother-in-law wasn’t feeling well and her husband--in his usual self--said she’d be okay and that she shouldn’t go to the hospital. Well, my friend was really concerned so she took charge and said that she was going to take her to the hospital and that no one could stop her. They proceeded to walk to the front porch, when her mother-in-law paused for a moment to rest. My friend said that she saw her and saw this glowing light surrounding her. My friend asked her if she wanted to go back inside and have something to eat. Her mother-in-law said yes, that she would appreciate some food. She asked for a bowl of noodles and said she was going back upstairs to rest. My friend lovingly prepared the bowl of noodles and took it upstairs, only to find that her mother-in-law had passed away. It’s at this point that my friend tells me that she had no feeling. The only thought in her mind was how she was going to pay for her mother-in-law’s funeral since they didn’t even have money to put gas in their car? After hearing this, I just kept listening. A few days after her mother-in-law passed away my friend made a big sale and had more than enough to pay for her mother-in-law’s funeral. She was then convicted by her thoughts about finances when she should have overcome those worries and felt more compassionate or mournful.

I am reminded of my own experience with my mother. She was admitted to the hospital even though she didn’t want to go. The doctors thought she had pancreatitis. They gave her some antibiotics and my mom seemed to be recovering. For three days all she kept talking about was getting discharged so she could come home with me and eat a bowl of noodles. Every other word out of her mouth was noodles. Know that Japanese noodles are one of the most basic things I know how to cook, but one of the things that my mom appreciated most from my kitchen. She just raved about the noodle broth I made from scratch. I couldn’t wait to make her happy with some comfort food. During her last night in the hospital (The doctor was releasing her to go home the next morning) something happened and her condition got dramatically worse. She went into the ICU and two weeks later she passed away. She was diagnosed with cepsis, which is an infection in her blood stream and it is incurable. She was under heavy sedation and never was coherent during her last two weeks. It was probably the most painful experience I ever had in my life. I’m actually weeping as I type this. Not only had I lost my mother, but being raised to be an atheist and only having been able to share my belief in God and relationship with Christ for a short time before she passed away, I never heard my mom profess her faith in Christ. I had to consider the possible fact that my mom may have passed away from this life and is now eternally separated from the God I had devoted my life to. I wondered what else I could have done. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God called her to him so that we could be reunited in heaven one day. I was like a walking dead person. It was if my life had been sucked out of my body.

In the end, I never doubted God and sought comfort in his Word. I trust God completely with my life. My faith, through all that I have endured in my brief time in his kingdom, I have never wavered on that. Just as my friend had to come to terms with the fact that God will provide for her if she releases that worry to Jesus and becomes more concerned about loving others first, I learned a hard lesson as well. I have realized in the face of such tragedies as we’ve seen in Haiti and the tragedy of losing my mom unexpectedly that I have to continue to put my faith and trust in God. Whether my mom is with him or not, I have to trust that his plan is based on love, yet he is a just God and that all will have to face a final day of judgment. Deep down in my heart I do believe that God has chosen to call my entire household even if I don’t hear them verbally profess Christ as Lord and Savior. He’s given me a chance to do that in my daughters, whom I raised to atheists as well. Now as I step out in what I believe to be obedience, and move to a new state to connect with a new community of people, I have to trust that God will make a way to remove the 700 mile barrier between Beaverton, OR and Sacramento, CA so that I may one day celebrate the calling of Christ in the hearts of my daughters.

In a complicated, inner-connected tale of two people with moms that wanted noodles before they passed away, to trusting God for finances and protection when we can’t see in our human minds how it will be possible, to learning a life lesson and trying to act on it in ways with those in our families whom God has given us more time with on earth, I just can’t believe that any of this was mere coincidence. I’m believing that as frightened as I am--that I am leaving my daughters at a time when Christ’s love in me can be used to influence my daughter’s hearts--that my God is in control of all that is good and that he will make a way to see my daughters know him in their hearts, eternally. That as insane as this may seem to you(Yes, it seems insane to me too!), God is calling me to take my story and share with a community of people that don’t have neighbors or coworkers that can give such testimonies to the strength and faith and peace that can only be known in having Christ reside in our hearts. Today I’m putting my faith and trust in this promise:

“I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” --Mark 10:29-31 NIV

Will you stand with me and help me continue pursuing the call on my life by partnering with us in The Latte Challenge?

It’s no secret to many of  you that follow my journey on twitter and/or facebook, that I am in a place where I am really seeking God on something. It’s radical, unexpected, challenging and humbling all at the same time. So often I have talked to pastors that have been in similar situations. Rather than divulge their secret prayers, they keep things private and only share glimpses of things. I know Scripture tells us that we are to pray in secret, but at the same time I believe that God uses others to speak into our lives. Scripture clearly tells us we are to gather together and pray and that where two or more are, God will be there.

In my experience it is way too easy to pray alone and feel as if we hear the voice of God speaking to us, when it may not be. Therefore, I have made it a point through my time of living out my faith that I will ask some people to help pray with me. At times, God uses those people to speak to me and either confirm or deny things I am thinking about. It has really helped me in my discernment process.

One of those friends, David Meysembourg, came through for me in an indescribable way today. We couldn’t connect in a tokbox chat this morning, but it’s as if the love of God manifested itself in a very brief video message he left for me. Somehow God brought David into the conversation and I was left with the biggest smile on my face. My heart was deeply warmed, my love for my friend was greatly increased, my direction seemed to be getting cleared. Had I not reached out to David and asked if he would pray with me and listen for God to move through him on my behalf, I would have missed out on one of the most beautiful and encouraging expressions of God I had ever experienced in my life. Something so small, meant so much to me.

I still have my doubts about some things, but they are being cast aside as people I have reached out to are coming alongside me and giving me virtual hugs and words of encouragement. How could I ever keep some things from friends when they have been so instrumental in my journey of faith and calling to ministry?

When in doubt, I reach out. I am eternally grateful that God has surrounded me with friends of loving grace that represent Christ so faithfully and do so with a smile on their face. Through their smiles, I sense Christ smiling upon me and I am encouraged to take the next step in faith knowing they believe in me, because Christ believes in me.

For all the people out there that say blogging is dead, I say you have no clue what you are talking about! I know that sounds harsh, but I adamantly believe it. Let me share a story of a dude named Dewde and my blog.

There was a lot of controversy surrounding an issue of Asian-American Christians taking offense to something, which I responded to in this blog post. Someone I did not know at the time read my blog post and chose to respond with a very short comment which simply stated:

Clearly you are not irrelevant.

Clearly.

peace | dewde

After that comment was left on my blog, I continued to see comments of peace and wisdom, all seasoned with a love that truly seemed to be evidence that Christ was alive and well in this guy named Dewde. He was everywhere in the blogosphere in response to the controversy, yet his remarks were always consistent — always taking the high road, yet acknowledging the inadvertent wrongfulness of the issue. I was taken back by his presence and devotion of time to exhibit such grace and truth from a non-Asian perspective. I imagined that Dewde must have been a well-versed Christian that somehow found grace and was devoted to sharing it with the world. I wanted to be more like him.

One night during a tokbox video conference on an issue of Asian-American ministry, Dewde pops into the conversation. I had to know more of his story. I was all set to be envious of his experience and learn what caused him to be so full of grace. Then, he softly spoke something that rocked my existence! He said that he was an atheist who married a Christian woman and came to know the eternal love of Christ through attending services at North Point Community Church in Georgia. What? An atheist? Specifically, an atheist-turned-Christian-through-a-mega-church-experience. Could this be true? Dewde definitely had my attention. The more he shared that night on tokbox, the more I realized that his story was very similar to mine. He shared a link to a video of his journey as an atheist who came to faith in the Lord. This guy who was so solidly grounded in peace and dripped the love of Christ from every pore of his body made statements in the video like:

• I had questions, but they were not answered to my satisfaction.

• I had a conversation with God. I told him that I did not believe he existed, and that this was his chance to prove to me that he did…I waited…I listened hard…And when the silence was over I had the proof I needed…And I became an atheist with a clean conscious.

What the heck? How could a guy who came to know Christ personally just seven years ago — a guy so rooted in his own reasoning skills and with so much evidence of Christians not being what they professed to be — how could this guy seem to have found so much peace? I said similar things during my years as an atheist, yet don’t reveal that much grace in my life. I was developing a bond with my newfound brother and it greatly encouraged me to know God was at work in this way in others. While Dewde and I have a lot of similarities in our journeys, we are two very individual people. We are not the same. Therefore, Dewde’s story is worth knowing and I encourage you to take a few moments to witness his story in the video below. I know many of you know him via twitter and the blogosphere, but I’m not sure many of you know how he came to be this amazing guy named Dewde, who loves others because Christ first loved him.

Here’s the video:

It’s Personal -- A Former Atheist Speaks from dewde on Vimeo.

I’m tapping this post out on my iPhone from the beach in Santa Barbara. I know how glamorous that sounds, but in my mind it really isn’t. A lot has been going on in my life lately, but this really isn’t about me. It’s about finding beauty in the midst of chaos and life’s uncertainties.

In the past I could expect to be really upset that the timing of my brother-in-law’s heartache was crappy. I had just driven 1,200 miles through Santa Barbara to get to some meeting in Los Angeles. After coming home I was back in the car 2 days later headed to Santa Barbara. I could hAve felt put out because my wife wouldn’t fly after having a claustrophobic panic attack during a flight home from Portland, OR a few weeks ago. Yes, the timing of things was verh unfortunate, but when is it ever fortunate for a family member to have a heart attack?

I feel like my life is headed into a tailspin of chaos and trying to make up for lost time. However, as I sit here writing this I know I would be an idiot for letting that take away from the beauty I sense at this moment: My wife has the opportunity to show her love for her brother Allan by being here for him
when no one else is. She gets to be strong and responsible by helping manage his care by answering questions for the doctors. My daughters who hate long car rides came with me and have been able to spend time as sisters, laughing and having fun as well as being on the beach, which they really enjoy. Through all of this my friends on twitter and facebook have supported us through powerful prayer and even those I never expected to pray are there calling on God on behalf of our family and God is responding. The timing of our trip is such that we missed the heavy rains here and can experience a sunny day and relaxing environment. So many things to find beauty in what otherwise could have been depressing and overwhelming.

Today isn’t a day for feeling down, because I can now see how days like this can’t just be coincidental. Attitudes of joy and caring just can’t come to the forefront for those of us consumed by our own personal issues. God’s divinity, grace, and love have been present in all of this. I remember a time when it would have been a about me and the crap being rained down on my life. God’s plan to take me away from that place is the most wonderful thing that could have ever happened to me. Seeing him healing my brother-in-law and my family through this emergency and. recognizing true love from my friends (and new friends) is something that can’t be taught. May God reveal his way to you in such times so that you too can look to the beauty that is present in your chaos.

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I am really taking notice in the little things that I may ordinarily just take for granted or not even consciously notice. It’s been doing a lot to my inner-being and radically changing who I am and how I think.

As most of you know, I was involved in remodeling my home office last week. It was a simple endeavor that was to be very inexpensive and only take 2-3 days. However, it went about 3x over budget (still very cheap in most people’s minds though) and about a week to complete. One unexpected thing that happened was that a new door didn’t fit and had to be cut to size. I have a saw for this, but it’s in a storage unit so I decided to call a friend of mine that lives about 2 minutes away and see if I could use his saw. The conversation went something like this:

me: Hey, what’s up

my friend: nothing much

me: can i get you to give me a hand with something for a couple of minutes?

my friend: sure, i’ll jump in the car right now and head over.

I then proceeded to explain that I wanted to take my door over to his place and make a cut with his saw. That way I could make on trip and be done, rather than borrow the saw, bring it home, make the cut, then take it back to him. It would have been easy to lose sight of something huge in that phone conversation had I not been listening for it. Did you notice how my friend immediate was ready to jump in his car and come over to help? He didn’t even ask me what I needed help with or anything. If I am honest here, I’d have to admit that rarely would I be that willing to help someone out. Usually, I’d say something like, “Yes, I can help, but how long will it take?” or “Maybe…what did you need help with?” It turns out that my friend only had a few minutes to help as he had to get ready to go to a party that night, but he never said a word about it until I saw him. So, he dropped what he was doing and gave up some time cleaning up and getting ready for the party in order to give me a hand with my door. Rather than even have me pick up the saw, he drove it over and made the cut for me at my place.

Ultimately, this is what friends do for other friends, but this instance of selflessness really made an impact on me. It caused me to realize that as small as this act may seem, it’s something that I do less of than I’d like to admit. I need to be more of a selfless friend.