I’m a very transparent person. If you follow me on twitter, friended me on facebook, or are a regular reader of this blog you basically know where I’m at in life and what my mood is like at any given time. It wasn’t always like this. I never used to share anything with anybody regarding personal matters, struggles or even accomplishments. I was a very private person.

These days, I probably share too much and at times it probably seems like I share too often. However, know that it is really, really hard for me to do this. To invite someone into my messy journey is such a foreign thing for me. I’m so used to sucking it up and dealing with it on my own--believing that it’s my struggle and my ability that will get me through it--that to do anything differently feels like such a risk. What’s mine is mine and should remain out of sight from others and resolved without any help. At times I feel like I make my burden someone else’s burden when I even tell them what I’m going through or calling upon them to pray with me.

God has laid a heavy task on me. He has called me to him and requires that I rely on him--and not myself--to make it down the path he has laid before my feet. For many this may seem like an easy thing to do. For some, it may seem like a necessity in order to be deemed a Christian. Take responsibility away from oneself and put it at the feet of Christ. To me, this is like trusting someone else with my own life. It’s scary, weird, and extremely difficult. It’s the cross I carry everyday. What’s mine is mine I keep telling myself.

For my friends that have hung around long enough to endure some of my burden, it is as if you were Jesus to me. Your support and encouragement and listening ears have helped me with my struggle on many occasions. One day I hope to be able to trust completely in my God and his promises, but because of where I’ve been, it’s hard to let go of the rope. What’s mine should be his, only made mine because with his help I can make it through the day. I am being changed and shaped for a life that I may not recognize, but it’s one that I desire. A life that transforms me from being mine to being his. To be in a relationship with God where I can trust him with my life even in the most mundane of things. There is hope.

I’ve sort of come full-circle on this issue. I remember my thoughts as I was in an Episcopal church service about 8 years ago and how I felt out of place and unnoticed. At the time, I was an atheist and went with my fiance to make her happy. My observations at the time were that in order to fit in, I had to be just like them. As an atheist not believing in the God they were singing to, being spoken to about, and praying towards was something I wasn’t going to be comfortable with. Fast forward 8 years and oddly I feel similar as I observe my environment within the church. I don’t know if I really believe in the God that I hear about or see people pray to in church services.

From my own experience, God transformed my way of life in a dramatic way. I gave up a lot of worldly things to pursue a not-of-this-world God. I came to know a God whose Son sacrificed his own self in order to allow us to no longer be separated from an eternal Father. I had knowledge bestowed upon me that had no logical explanation for I had not studied such things previously. My hearts was changed and my righteous judgments were stripped away. I came away from my first experience with God as a different person. My life had new meaning and it had nothing to do with me. To me, I came to know a powerful, loving God filled with grace and compassion. A God that wanted me to know his truth so that I could be set free.

In the church today I occasionally hear stories of such a God, but I also see a lot of indifference in people. I find people arriving out of obligation and bolting for the door before the preacher asks them to worship God through the offering of their finances. I see people sing songs where the words seem to have little meaning to them.

Somehow the God I came to know in October 2004 has become a mediocre God. He is a tolerated God. He has been relegated to the bleacher seats as technology has taken center stage. We have become consumers of church rather than being consumed by God.

My heart aches at what I see around me and I feel helpless to do much other than turn my eyes back to the one who called me to him first. I must make God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit first in my life and hope that someday I can be united with others in a community that expects to see a powerful God that transforms lives and adds to the numbers daily those who come to know this God that loves them and calls upon us to love others. I miss having a church community that I can love and grow with, but even more I miss being in communion with the God I first came to know 6 years ago when he called me to him and asked me to place his trust in him and believe that he was who he said he was.

There are two things I admit being very difficult for me in my journey of faith in Christ. One is being patient, which I have blogged about a lot in the past, and the other is grace. I haven’t blogged much about grace because it’s a difficult thing for me to discuss as it has so many aspects. Today I’ll just focus on grace--or the lack thereof--in general terms.

I feel I’m pretty good at offering grace to others. Whatever they have done or whomever they may be, I do not pass judgement of them. I believe in second chances (or third or fourth or…) and am open to people and situations from a position of grace. I have been extended grace in many things in which I did not deserve it, so who am I to not extend it to others. In Christ there has been ultimate and eternal grace upon my life and soul and I must share this or it os meaningless.

However, there are two areas where I definitely battle with grace. One is internally in matters of self and the other is in my marriage. I’m pretty tough on myself and hate making excuses for things. I don’t take failure lightly and I’m competitve by nature. I’m always pushing myself harder to be better and error free. I’ve been criticized by friends because I use a lot of self-derprecating humor, but it’s because in many ways I see myself as less-than-perfect and it makes me feel inferior and incapable. I care more about how I perceive myself than what others think about me--I am my harshest critic. Secondly, when it comes to matters with my wife I find I do not extend the same grace I extend to others. So many things have repeated themselves over-and-over, year-after-year. However, here I make an excuse. Here I say it’s because of the repetitiveness of certain things that my level of frustration is so high that it justifies my lack of patience and grace. Today though, I have realized that there is no excuse. I need to address my lack of grace and find a way to deal with it--in a healthy manner which helps move us forward and into a state of grace.

There must be grace…

As most of you know, I moved from Sacramento, CA to Beaverton, OR this year to help a church transition through an uncertain time, but left that position after 30 days. I came to Oregon to help a ministry and now find myself as an internet sales manager at a car dealership.

Working at the dealership started off being fun. I was meeting a lot of new people and learning new things. There was hope that things would work out and that I could finally get settled in to life in Oregon. However, things have changed a lot in the past two months that I have worked here. Some people have been threatened with their jobs unless things improve and there is a big culture shift that needs to take place, with no one seemingly able to steer it into place. As I see all that is going, I feel like I am gifted in areas of leadership that seem to be lacking. I struggle with being silent and not in a position where I can make a difference. It’s frustrating and at times, a bit depressing. So many people here are just existing, or reacting in fear so they don’t lose their job. It has become a job.

So often I think about the situation and feel as if I need to move on. Work shouldn’t seem like “work” I tell myself. Through it all though, I keep coming back to one question: What does God want me to do in this situation? I really wish I knew the answer. Not knowing is also not fun. I feel sort of trapped. I want to escape the environment, but for some reason I stay. I want to dig out of the pit of earning minimum wage for 40 hours when I work 50 hours and am the sole provider of my household. It sucks… It drains me… it causes me to constantly second-guess myself.

I’m challenging my thinking that work should be fun. It reminds me of the consumeristic mentality of church goers that feel the need to be entertained for 90 minutes once a week or they leave for another church. Ive learned and grown a lot in the last two months. I’ve made mistakes and been chewed out for them. I’ve been told how to do my job when I know how to do it. I’ve followed instructions I didn’t agree with. Not being the leader and started from the bottom rung of the ladder has definitely hurt my pride. However, my pride probably needed to be hurt. Humility and patience are a common theme in my life this year. It’s nasty-tasting, but just like medicine, if I take it I will get better.

No matter what we do, the reality is that it’s never enough. We will always come up short somewhere. Things can always take an unexpected turn for the worst. As a former atheist, I bore the burden of everything on my own. The goal was always to be the best. There was no one who remembered those that came in second or finished last. I lived in that world for almost 38 years. I was always trying to outdo even my own self.

When I first came to comprehend the reality and awe of the voice of God, I was not at some low point. I had accomplished much and had the respect of many. Money talked and I was able to speak pretty loudly for many years with my dollars. When God spoke to me, I didn’t need a savior to rescue me. For me, it was coming to know a sense of purpose and finding a place of rest. When it suddenly became about God’s will and not about my work there was such a sense of relief. No matter how high I climbed, there would always be another rung to reach up for, but in God I knew I no longer needed to keep reaching. Through Christ I realized that it was okay to be where I was at--no climbing up or need to step down. Finally, I could find comfort in who I was and where I was. It wasn’t about me or how others thought about me. Instead, my life became an empty canvas that was being transformed into something of beauty through the effortless God that I came to know and trust with my life.

I’d like to say it’s been smooth sailing ever since I put my faith in Christ. It’s been quite the opposite actually. Life has been challenging to say the least, but I know it’s to fulfill my greater purpose. I still find myself working to overcome obstacles through what I know to do--those things that have helped me find success in the past. Many days I wake up thinking that if I can just make a few more dollars today, how much easier my life would be. If I could just strive a little harder to be a better person things would go my way. It’s never enough. It’s never ever enough.

I have to stop running on the wheel like a hamster and going no where. I must look at things differently. I should see things with the eyes that God gave me, rather than the eyes I used to see the world before I knew him. I have to get away from scratching my way to success and rest in the love and comfort of the One who called me his son and forever changed my life. Being human is hard, and thankfully it’s only temporary.

I’m curious to know how you feel about the following quotes:

So, what do you think? Do these sound noble? Might they even be words you’ve said or thought at some point? Are they your battle cry?

The above quotes are from Lt. Dan Choi whose website bio reads:

Question is, does knowing who made the above statements change your mind about how you feel about them? Next question is, why?

Here is the context of the quotes from cnn.com: http://bit.ly/aj91HG

Saw a tweet from Exponential yesterday from my friend Jenni Clayville:

“LOVE is to risk. When we play it safe, we aren’t being like Jesus.” --Alan Hirsch

It caused me to reflect on how often we (his disciples) see Jesus in so many different ways. Some may say it’s a reflection of the various aspect of Jesus as he goes about meeting our needs or calling us closer to him, but I would disagree. I think regardless of how we feel Jesus is speaking to us, we always think of it from his perspective of loving kindness. However, in reality, Jesus was a risk taker and game changer! He challenged the authority and even the traditional rules of the holy sabbath day. Jesus was rarely in a place that would be considered safe. So, if we are truly following him, then if we find ourselves in safe and comfortable places, is Jesus really just one step ahead?

I’m reminded of the Nooma Video titled Dust. It’s titled Dust because back in Jesus’ day rabbis had followers that walked with them everywhere in the hopes that they would learn some great piece of wisdom. Rumor has it that they followed so closely that even while going to the bathroom a rabbi could expect a disciple to be at his side in fear of missing out on something if he weren’t there. They had a saying back then:

“May you be covered by the dust of your rabbi.”

Which in essence meant, may you so-closely follow in the footsteps of your rabbi that as he walks, the dust that gets kicked up from his sandals covers you. Pause for a moment and process that. Take any of the gospel accounts of Jesus that you can think of and imagine following him that closely. You’ll realize that Jesus was a very dangerous man in his day, and he has called us to follow him into those areas as he covers us in his holy, loving, empowering dust.

I am in the middle of a million things right now. I feel like I’m in one of those moments in time where I don’t quite know why things are like this, but believing that the meaning will become apparent at the right time. I just want to step back and wait for everything to be revealed, but I can’t. Seeing so many unexpected difficulties and challenges being thrown at me makes me crazy at times. Sometimes it’s as if God is not wanting me to keep moving forward in our move to Oregon. However, when I think about all of the things that have happened to even make this move imaginable, I know God wouldn’t contradict himself, and therefore I must mush on and believe it is what I should do. Yes friends, it’s another Ephesians 6 moment.

Sorry for not being able to keep up with the blog. I’ll continue with the 10 Questions series on failed church plant experjences next week.

For those of you have been praying for my wife and I--and Church! at Bethany and the community of Beaverton, OR--thank you so much! With all the adversity we’ve been facing here in Sacramento, it must mean something important is awaiting us once we start out next chapter in Oregon. I just hope I’m up to the task.

I kinda scared a lot of people last night, including my wife. It was unintentional, but it happened just the same. For that, I apologize. I had what seemed like symptoms of a heart attack or stroke. I tweeted about it and was overwhelmed by responses telling me to go to the emergency room. So many stories came in of people that had gone through having a loved one impacted by heart attack and stroke. I was concerned over my symptoms, but not really. I can’t explain why, but I chose not to go to the hospital. It could have been a mild heart attack or stroke which has left me feeling okay for now, yet already done some damage. I guess I need to go to a doctor at some point and get checked out.

As strange as this may seem, as I was resting last night this phrase kept going through my head. I first learned of this phrase because a friend of mine uses “myheartbeeps” in her email address. I’m not exactly sure why, but I’m guessing it has something to do with Invisible Children. For me though, rather than be concerned for my health, I just kept hearing this phrase over and over in my mind…my heart beeps, my heart beeps, my heart beeps. I still have no idea why.

I think all the stress I’ve placed on myself with the move my wife and I are making to Beaverton, Oregon in two weeks has taken its toll on me physically. We had nothing of reason to commit to making this move other than an invitation from some friends to consider entering in to a conversation about transitioning their church into something more meaningful a few months from now. No promise of a house, no job, no savings. It’s been a crazy, eventful--at times ridiculous--year so far. I wouldn’t wish our experiences on anyone else. Through it all, I’m still standing and walking in faith that God will clarify all of this and show me why we’ve faced so many challenges in just the past two months, and why he is uprooting us from our families here in Sacramento at the end of this month.

My hearts beeps…for now. I’m not quite sure why, nor for how much longer, but knowing everything that seems to be coming out of our misery, I truly believe God is moving and that he’s preparing me for something. Even if for just another hour, another day, another 40 years, or for eternity. God is up to something. I just wish it could be an easier journey some days as I’m starting to feel a little tired now. My heart beeps…for now. Thank you Lord for your protection, mercy, grace, and love. May what I set my mind, hands, and feet to be pleasing in your sight. May it be filled with the wisdom of your Spirit and the love your Son Jesus has for your creation. Thank you for keeping the hearts of my gracious and loving friends beeping so that they may be lamp in this world to others.

As you know by now, so much has happened in the past two months to radically turn my life upside-down. Things are coming at me from all angles and I’ve tried to do my best to discern which things were of God, which were of me, and which were from the force that I don’t want any credit given to. I’m leaving the state I grew up in for the first time in my life. For the first time in my 21 years as a father, I will be separated from my two daughters by about 700 miles and it kills me.

Through all of the things I’ve done to devote my attention to my situation, I was put on hold to pause and listen to the story of a friend. While seated at my dining table my friend talked about how tired she was. She has been in a straight commission job with a lot of expenses associated with it in an industry that has slowed way down the past 3 years. Her father-in-law is in his 80′s and he has lived with her and her husband for the past year, since her mother-in-law passed away. Her father-in-law is elderly, bitter, and full of negativity. My friend tries to please him constantly, but he’s never appreciative. She was kind of venting and I was doing my best to be there to just listen. My friend then started explaining the circumstances surrounding the passing of her mother-in-law. It came with no warning and took place in her home. Her mother-in-law wasn’t feeling well and her husband--in his usual self--said she’d be okay and that she shouldn’t go to the hospital. Well, my friend was really concerned so she took charge and said that she was going to take her to the hospital and that no one could stop her. They proceeded to walk to the front porch, when her mother-in-law paused for a moment to rest. My friend said that she saw her and saw this glowing light surrounding her. My friend asked her if she wanted to go back inside and have something to eat. Her mother-in-law said yes, that she would appreciate some food. She asked for a bowl of noodles and said she was going back upstairs to rest. My friend lovingly prepared the bowl of noodles and took it upstairs, only to find that her mother-in-law had passed away. It’s at this point that my friend tells me that she had no feeling. The only thought in her mind was how she was going to pay for her mother-in-law’s funeral since they didn’t even have money to put gas in their car? After hearing this, I just kept listening. A few days after her mother-in-law passed away my friend made a big sale and had more than enough to pay for her mother-in-law’s funeral. She was then convicted by her thoughts about finances when she should have overcome those worries and felt more compassionate or mournful.

I am reminded of my own experience with my mother. She was admitted to the hospital even though she didn’t want to go. The doctors thought she had pancreatitis. They gave her some antibiotics and my mom seemed to be recovering. For three days all she kept talking about was getting discharged so she could come home with me and eat a bowl of noodles. Every other word out of her mouth was noodles. Know that Japanese noodles are one of the most basic things I know how to cook, but one of the things that my mom appreciated most from my kitchen. She just raved about the noodle broth I made from scratch. I couldn’t wait to make her happy with some comfort food. During her last night in the hospital (The doctor was releasing her to go home the next morning) something happened and her condition got dramatically worse. She went into the ICU and two weeks later she passed away. She was diagnosed with cepsis, which is an infection in her blood stream and it is incurable. She was under heavy sedation and never was coherent during her last two weeks. It was probably the most painful experience I ever had in my life. I’m actually weeping as I type this. Not only had I lost my mother, but being raised to be an atheist and only having been able to share my belief in God and relationship with Christ for a short time before she passed away, I never heard my mom profess her faith in Christ. I had to consider the possible fact that my mom may have passed away from this life and is now eternally separated from the God I had devoted my life to. I wondered what else I could have done. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God called her to him so that we could be reunited in heaven one day. I was like a walking dead person. It was if my life had been sucked out of my body.

In the end, I never doubted God and sought comfort in his Word. I trust God completely with my life. My faith, through all that I have endured in my brief time in his kingdom, I have never wavered on that. Just as my friend had to come to terms with the fact that God will provide for her if she releases that worry to Jesus and becomes more concerned about loving others first, I learned a hard lesson as well. I have realized in the face of such tragedies as we’ve seen in Haiti and the tragedy of losing my mom unexpectedly that I have to continue to put my faith and trust in God. Whether my mom is with him or not, I have to trust that his plan is based on love, yet he is a just God and that all will have to face a final day of judgment. Deep down in my heart I do believe that God has chosen to call my entire household even if I don’t hear them verbally profess Christ as Lord and Savior. He’s given me a chance to do that in my daughters, whom I raised to atheists as well. Now as I step out in what I believe to be obedience, and move to a new state to connect with a new community of people, I have to trust that God will make a way to remove the 700 mile barrier between Beaverton, OR and Sacramento, CA so that I may one day celebrate the calling of Christ in the hearts of my daughters.

In a complicated, inner-connected tale of two people with moms that wanted noodles before they passed away, to trusting God for finances and protection when we can’t see in our human minds how it will be possible, to learning a life lesson and trying to act on it in ways with those in our families whom God has given us more time with on earth, I just can’t believe that any of this was mere coincidence. I’m believing that as frightened as I am--that I am leaving my daughters at a time when Christ’s love in me can be used to influence my daughter’s hearts--that my God is in control of all that is good and that he will make a way to see my daughters know him in their hearts, eternally. That as insane as this may seem to you(Yes, it seems insane to me too!), God is calling me to take my story and share with a community of people that don’t have neighbors or coworkers that can give such testimonies to the strength and faith and peace that can only be known in having Christ reside in our hearts. Today I’m putting my faith and trust in this promise:

“I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” --Mark 10:29-31 NIV

Will you stand with me and help me continue pursuing the call on my life by partnering with us in The Latte Challenge?