faith

Dave (personal) / faith / friends / God / jesus / life — No Comments
12
Sep 11

What’s mine is mine

I’m a very transparent person. If you follow me on twitter, friended me on facebook, or are a regular reader of this blog you basically know where I’m at in life and what my mood is like at any given time. It wasn’t always like this. I never used to share anything with anybody regarding personal matters, struggles or even accomplishments. I was a very private person.

These days, I probably share too much and at times it probably seems like I share too often. However, know that it is really, really hard for me to do this. To invite someone into my messy journey is such a foreign thing for me. I’m so used to sucking it up and dealing with it on my own--believing that it’s my struggle and my ability that will get me through it--that to do anything differently feels like such a risk. What’s mine is mine and should remain out of sight from others and resolved without any help. At times I feel like I make my burden someone else’s burden when I even tell them what I’m going through or calling upon them to pray with me.

God has laid a heavy task on me. He has called me to him and requires that I rely on him--and not myself--to make it down the path he has laid before my feet. For many this may seem like an easy thing to do. For some, it may seem like a necessity in order to be deemed a Christian. Take responsibility away from oneself and put it at the feet of Christ. To me, this is like trusting someone else with my own life. It’s scary, weird, and extremely difficult. It’s the cross I carry everyday. What’s mine is mine I keep telling myself.

For my friends that have hung around long enough to endure some of my burden, it is as if you were Jesus to me. Your support and encouragement and listening ears have helped me with my struggle on many occasions. One day I hope to be able to trust completely in my God and his promises, but because of where I’ve been, it’s hard to let go of the rope. What’s mine should be his, only made mine because with his help I can make it through the day. I am being changed and shaped for a life that I may not recognize, but it’s one that I desire. A life that transforms me from being mine to being his. To be in a relationship with God where I can trust him with my life even in the most mundane of things. There is hope.

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church / Dave (personal) / faith / God / jesus / worship — 2 Comments
27
Dec 10

Is church a priority for you?

I’ve sort of come full-circle on this issue. I remember my thoughts as I was in an Episcopal church service about 8 years ago and how I felt out of place and unnoticed. At the time, I was an atheist and went with my fiance to make her happy. My observations at the time were that in order to fit in, I had to be just like them. As an atheist not believing in the God they were singing to, being spoken to about, and praying towards was something I wasn’t going to be comfortable with. Fast forward 8 years and oddly I feel similar as I observe my environment within the church. I don’t know if I really believe in the God that I hear about or see people pray to in church services.

From my own experience, God transformed my way of life in a dramatic way. I gave up a lot of worldly things to pursue a not-of-this-world God. I came to know a God whose Son sacrificed his own self in order to allow us to no longer be separated from an eternal Father. I had knowledge bestowed upon me that had no logical explanation for I had not studied such things previously. My hearts was changed and my righteous judgments were stripped away. I came away from my first experience with God as a different person. My life had new meaning and it had nothing to do with me. To me, I came to know a powerful, loving God filled with grace and compassion. A God that wanted me to know his truth so that I could be set free.

In the church today I occasionally hear stories of such a God, but I also see a lot of indifference in people. I find people arriving out of obligation and bolting for the door before the preacher asks them to worship God through the offering of their finances. I see people sing songs where the words seem to have little meaning to them.

Somehow the God I came to know in October 2004 has become a mediocre God. He is a tolerated God. He has been relegated to the bleacher seats as technology has taken center stage. We have become consumers of church rather than being consumed by God.

My heart aches at what I see around me and I feel helpless to do much other than turn my eyes back to the one who called me to him first. I must make God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit first in my life and hope that someday I can be united with others in a community that expects to see a powerful God that transforms lives and adds to the numbers daily those who come to know this God that loves them and calls upon us to love others. I miss having a church community that I can love and grow with, but even more I miss being in communion with the God I first came to know 6 years ago when he called me to him and asked me to place his trust in him and believe that he was who he said he was.

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Christianity / Dave (personal) / faith / people — 2 Comments
15
Dec 10

There must be grace

There are two things I admit being very difficult for me in my journey of faith in Christ. One is being patient, which I have blogged about a lot in the past, and the other is grace. I haven’t blogged much about grace because it’s a difficult thing for me to discuss as it has so many aspects. Today I’ll just focus on grace--or the lack thereof--in general terms.

I feel I’m pretty good at offering grace to others. Whatever they have done or whomever they may be, I do not pass judgement of them. I believe in second chances (or third or fourth or…) and am open to people and situations from a position of grace. I have been extended grace in many things in which I did not deserve it, so who am I to not extend it to others. In Christ there has been ultimate and eternal grace upon my life and soul and I must share this or it os meaningless.

However, there are two areas where I definitely battle with grace. One is internally in matters of self and the other is in my marriage. I’m pretty tough on myself and hate making excuses for things. I don’t take failure lightly and I’m competitve by nature. I’m always pushing myself harder to be better and error free. I’ve been criticized by friends because I use a lot of self-derprecating humor, but it’s because in many ways I see myself as less-than-perfect and it makes me feel inferior and incapable. I care more about how I perceive myself than what others think about me--I am my harshest critic. Secondly, when it comes to matters with my wife I find I do not extend the same grace I extend to others. So many things have repeated themselves over-and-over, year-after-year. However, here I make an excuse. Here I say it’s because of the repetitiveness of certain things that my level of frustration is so high that it justifies my lack of patience and grace. Today though, I have realized that there is no excuse. I need to address my lack of grace and find a way to deal with it--in a healthy manner which helps move us forward and into a state of grace.

There must be grace…

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Dave (personal) / faith / leadership / Oregon — No Comments
20
Oct 10

What to do when the fun ends…

As most of you know, I moved from Sacramento, CA to Beaverton, OR this year to help a church transition through an uncertain time, but left that position after 30 days. I came to Oregon to help a ministry and now find myself as an internet sales manager at a car dealership.

Working at the dealership started off being fun. I was meeting a lot of new people and learning new things. There was hope that things would work out and that I could finally get settled in to life in Oregon. However, things have changed a lot in the past two months that I have worked here. Some people have been threatened with their jobs unless things improve and there is a big culture shift that needs to take place, with no one seemingly able to steer it into place. As I see all that is going, I feel like I am gifted in areas of leadership that seem to be lacking. I struggle with being silent and not in a position where I can make a difference. It’s frustrating and at times, a bit depressing. So many people here are just existing, or reacting in fear so they don’t lose their job. It has become a job.

So often I think about the situation and feel as if I need to move on. Work shouldn’t seem like “work” I tell myself. Through it all though, I keep coming back to one question: What does God want me to do in this situation? I really wish I knew the answer. Not knowing is also not fun. I feel sort of trapped. I want to escape the environment, but for some reason I stay. I want to dig out of the pit of earning minimum wage for 40 hours when I work 50 hours and am the sole provider of my household. It sucks… It drains me… it causes me to constantly second-guess myself.

I’m challenging my thinking that work should be fun. It reminds me of the consumeristic mentality of church goers that feel the need to be entertained for 90 minutes once a week or they leave for another church. Ive learned and grown a lot in the last two months. I’ve made mistakes and been chewed out for them. I’ve been told how to do my job when I know how to do it. I’ve followed instructions I didn’t agree with. Not being the leader and started from the bottom rung of the ladder has definitely hurt my pride. However, my pride probably needed to be hurt. Humility and patience are a common theme in my life this year. It’s nasty-tasting, but just like medicine, if I take it I will get better.

Father God, I still am not certain why you took me away from my family and brought me to this place where I feel like my hands are tied and progress is slow. Im frustrated and at times I feel defeated. When I ask for your guidance I sense silence. When I see new opportunities advertised elsewhere, something about leaving here just doesn’t feel right. Not yet at least. Lord, I just ask that you lead me through this time as I beginning to feel desperation. I pray that this is exactly where you want me and I ask that you give me a spirit of acceptance and the desire to keep moving forward, even when I don’t sense any immediate return. Give me the strength to get out of bed and get through one more day. May you bless others that are feeling the same way. Provide for them and comfort them through this time. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

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Christianity / Dave (personal) / faith / jesus / life — No Comments
17
Aug 10

It’s never enough

No matter what we do, the reality is that it’s never enough. We will always come up short somewhere. Things can always take an unexpected turn for the worst. As a former atheist, I bore the burden of everything on my own. The goal was always to be the best. There was no one who remembered those that came in second or finished last. I lived in that world for almost 38 years. I was always trying to outdo even my own self.

When I first came to comprehend the reality and awe of the voice of God, I was not at some low point. I had accomplished much and had the respect of many. Money talked and I was able to speak pretty loudly for many years with my dollars. When God spoke to me, I didn’t need a savior to rescue me. For me, it was coming to know a sense of purpose and finding a place of rest. When it suddenly became about God’s will and not about my work there was such a sense of relief. No matter how high I climbed, there would always be another rung to reach up for, but in God I knew I no longer needed to keep reaching. Through Christ I realized that it was okay to be where I was at--no climbing up or need to step down. Finally, I could find comfort in who I was and where I was. It wasn’t about me or how others thought about me. Instead, my life became an empty canvas that was being transformed into something of beauty through the effortless God that I came to know and trust with my life.

I’d like to say it’s been smooth sailing ever since I put my faith in Christ. It’s been quite the opposite actually. Life has been challenging to say the least, but I know it’s to fulfill my greater purpose. I still find myself working to overcome obstacles through what I know to do--those things that have helped me find success in the past. Many days I wake up thinking that if I can just make a few more dollars today, how much easier my life would be. If I could just strive a little harder to be a better person things would go my way. It’s never enough. It’s never ever enough.

I have to stop running on the wheel like a hamster and going no where. I must look at things differently. I should see things with the eyes that God gave me, rather than the eyes I used to see the world before I knew him. I have to get away from scratching my way to success and rest in the love and comfort of the One who called me his son and forever changed my life. Being human is hard, and thankfully it’s only temporary.

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