It’s 7:45pm on a Saturday as I tap this out on my Macbook. No blogger in their right mind would publish something on a Saturday night like this. Especially when I committed to write some posts for a friend’s blog that I am overdue on. However, this one is for me and needs not be read by anyone else. I’m doing this one to dull the pain I feel as I remember my mom on her birthday. That’s all I can do since she passed away 3 years ago and is no longer here to celebrate it with me. I still remember her face as I tried to be strong for her as she gasped her last breath in the hospital on May 27, 1998. I remember trying to reconcile in my mind that I would see her again in the future when my time here was done. I think about how much pain I felt as my mother passed away before my eyes, and how helpless and alone I felt. There was no joy in my heart that day three years ago. There was no anger either. I was overcome with an emptiness that I cannot describe. It continued for almost a year before I would get over not having my mother here with me.
In retrospect, there was much to celebrate about her and many, many fond memories. She was one of the strongest people I have ever known, even surviving two bouts of breast cancer and an aortic ulcer that claimed 2/3 of her stomach only to die from a stupid infection that had no cure. However, it was hard to remember the joys I experienced with my mom because of the pain I carried with me. I still can’t shake that deep pain within me when I think of her. The pain is causing me to drip tears on my keyboard as I type.
Growing up as an atheist, my mom always encouraged me to never give in to the notion that there was a god, let alone God. She pushed me hard in life to excel and be the best I could be never showing weakness or a need for others. Her love for me wasn’t shown in hugs or praises. A lot of who my mom was is evident in me. I’m sure a lot of the stories my daughters would tell of me, would sound exactly like stories I would tell of my mom as a parent. However, I always knew she loved me. I always knew she would give everything she had to help me.
At the end of this month I celebrate 7 years with the Lord. It was in October 2004 that I realized God was real and called me into a relationship with him and his son Jesus. I don’t know if he ever did the same for my mom. I wonder sometimes if that is the source of the pain that never goes away when I think of my mom. To not know whether I will be reunited with her again in spirt kills me some days. I’ve done my best to find comfort in the Scriptures that give cause to believe we will be together again. However, I don’t think I’ve fully trusted God to know this with all of my heart. My mom and I had many conversations about my newfound faith and my new life as a pastor. We also had conversations where my mom would tell me that she would be outside talking to the stars and the moon and speaking things into being. She never affirmed a belief in God or asked me the questions that led me to believe she was seeking him. At the moment my mom passed away, I really have no idea what she believed or whether God was there to accept her into his arms or not. I guess I should be angry at God for having me at this crossroads. Maybe I should question a faith that would allow me to consider that I may go to heaven, yet my beautiful, strong, giving, caring and loving mother may not have. Yet, I just can’t do that. Instead, I do my best to find solace in what I’ve come to believe and look forward to a day where there will be no more pain or sadness. In that day, I pray that my mother will be there waiting for me. That I will see her and my dad standing there ready to pick up where we left off. I don’t know what to expect, and for this my heart aches.
Mommy, I love you. I hope that I was able to show you just how much before I lost you. You’d be so proud of your granddaughters Megan and Samantha. They are doing so well and we share stories of our times with you often. We miss you and hope that you are experiencing absolute peace and joy and that we will be with you soon enough, next time to never have to be apart ever again. Charlotte sends her love as well. Happy Birthday Mommy. Love, Dave
