Dear John (or Charity: Water or Doctors Without Borders or Compassion International, etc.),
My heart goes out to you. When I hear the stories of those people you aid I want to applaud you. I want to partner with you. I want to support you financially. However, I have just come to realize that right now, it’s best if we don’t try to get too close. Please understand, it’s not you, it’s me. You see, I’ve just come to the realization today that as much as I thought I loved you, I really do not. My lips speak words of passion and I shout about you from the rooftops, but in the end I don’t deliver… My words are much louder than my actions. Our relationship is doomed unless we part company now and I realize what I’ve lost as I let you go.
As much as I’ve said that I love you and that I’m here for you always, I feel like I haven’t been completely truthful. The feelings have leaped out of my mouth, but they have failed to sink deep down into my heart. I can’t explain my lack of action at this moment, but I do know that it’s not healthy for me and it’s not justified by any means. You need people that truly desire to participate alongside you and sacrifice with you because their hearts burn to see people’s needs met; those that can’t go to sleep at night without knowing that others are able to sleep comfortably first.
Maybe it’s my transition from ministry to secular workforce after having expended so much energy to see the local church be a facilitator of light and hope through the infinite love of Jesus for his people. It could be burnout, or just simply the stress of trying to make ends meet each day when reality seems to show me that it may not be possible. Somehow, somewhere it seems my heart has become a little hardened. It’s because I love you, that I must stop pursuing you today.
You see, when you invite me to help you by giving of my time or my money, I always say yes. For me, that’s not good enough anymore, and it’s not fair to you. Anyone can give when asked to do so by someone we think we love, but few are willing to seek out the need and give when no one else is watching--because something in us draws us to it, rather than it being an invitation from someone who has it all together like you. You make loving you and who you are so easy. That’s the biggest problem for me right now. Our relationship has been one that’s been flirtatious, but not very deep because you’ve loved me back for the easy things I’ve done, without caring about what was really in my heart. You’ve let me come along for the ride, when maybe it was best that I learned how to drive. I have failed you. I have disappointed you. You deserve much better.
One day I truly hope our paths will cross again and we can pick up where we left off. For now, as selfish as this may sound, I must deal with my own issues--mainly, I must look inside my heart and find out why it feels like part of me has died inside.
May you continue to be all that you were meant to be with those that love with more than words,
Dave
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