As introverted as I am, I find myself talking to more and more people these days. However, I still find it to be very uncomfortable for me. It’s a struggle I have as someone that is called to speak in front of others. The difficulty for me now is actually speaking with other people. I’ve become known to people I never imagined would know my name, let alone have a conversation with me. Social media has propelled me into the field of view of others that I have no business knowing considering my relative obscurity here in Sacramento. In Sacramento I am a nobody. I’m just now starting to make some connections with people on a local level, but when I travel it’s a different story.
A friend of mine told me recently that there is a part of leaders that likes it when others pursue them. It sort of feeds their ego and through that process relationships can develop. I completely understood what he meant and didn’t interpret it any bad way. As much as we in leadership and leadership like to say that we don’t want any attention, the truth is that we do. We want to know that we are respected and that others value what we say and do.
In my own life though, I’m not sure I want people chasing after me. I really, really don’t like the attention. It’s a strange thing to say and it contradicts some of my actions, but I really don’t like it when the attention is on me. It scares me and causes me to go into self deprecation mode.
The question now becomes do I really want to keep doing things that cause me to get attention, which will cause others to want to connect with me and know me? I don’t say this as some egotistical jerk that believes everything I do will cause me to become some celebrity--it’s quite the opposite. As someone that has always suffered from problems of self image I should probably be discussing this a psychologist rather than writing this random rambling.
I find myself walking a tightrope and doing a balancing act. It seems like every time I am in a conversation with one of the people that has been instrumental in helping us to start Revolution Church Sacramento, she is always pointing out the times when I poke fun at myself. It’s just an instinctual thing I do. I know I shouldn’t do it, but I’ve lived my whole like making people laugh at me through self deprecating humor to help diffuse the attention that I get.
I really am quite introverted and some times I just want to go into the solitude of a comfortable space and be away from everyone. Even as I write this blog post I don’t quite connect the fact that this will cause others to focus their attention on me through my writing…it’s just me and my laptop processing through some thoughts. When I get feedback and it’s positive I tend to push back with something that takes the focus away from me and onto others. It’s a strange place I find myself in.
In the end, I know that if I censor my actions and react in fear that I don’t want to gain prominence through my work, then I will be a stumbling block for myself and others. It’s not about me, yet in some strange way I feel as if I am seeking affirmation for my contributions. Yet, when I hear others speak about me as if I am recognizable it freaks me out.
As I continue to work through the attention that I get from being so vocal online and for connecting with others in prominence, I hope I never get to a place where I enjoy having people chase after me. I don’t want to be pursued. I want to give freely of everything that may help others. I don’t quite know how that will be possible, but I do know that I have to succumb to some of the things being recognized brings. I know I probably can’t live up to anyone else’s expectations of me. I have to realize that I will probably disappoint a lot of people that go from connecting with me through social networking sites and then meet me in person. Through it all I have to believe that this is all happening for some greater purpose and I need to do my best to stand aside and not look for the approval of others. I need to accept that the work I do has merit and purpose and stop demeaning my actions through attacking myself through humor as a means to cope.
There is much work to be done in me, by me, and through me. People will take notice. The work stands on its own and speaks of something more powerful than myself that truly deserves the attention. Who am I to try and stand in the way of that? However, don’t chase me…chase the dream. Use my experiences as a means to encourage you to do something. Sometimes we have to chase after others as a means to seeing the dream come to fruition, but let it be about the dream and not the person. Live a life of humbleness and find your place in the journey of humility. Thanks for listening to my rambling…I hope it helps you in some small way.
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if it helps you, I will ignore you ;-)
I have the same thoughts sometimes. I also fight the battle of getting myself noticed vs. making Jesus famous. I desperately want the later – but many times end up doing the former. I must decrease so that he will increase.
But commenting on your blog might give me a few hits on mine too. Its a sickness – i know!
Dave: It is a sickness, especially affecting those named Dave…ha, ha :D Let’s stand together in agreement that we must decrease so that he will increase!
Wow. With a few small changes I could have written that about myself. I’m in the marketplace, not in full time ministry, but every vocation is a ministry. To help the people who need me I need to talk with people. That has never come easy for me. Even as someone contacted me today I couldn’t help but feel relieved that it was through email, not a phone call. I will do my best to help people financially but I never like being in the spotlight. Even if the audience is one or two. That is a sickness. When you can do good, you should. Even when it makes you uncomfortable. Thank you for your thoughts. They do make it all the way to Ohio and beyond. And they do help. Keep it up.