I grew up hearing terms describing masculinity as being a “man’s man” or a “manly man.” In order for this to really make sense, I guess we must first establish what it means to be a man.
After watching Steven Furtick preach yesterday for our One Prayer series at Revolution Church Sacramento, I was pondering something he said. In essence, it was kind of an attack on my manhood. Indirectly, of course, but it still was what it was. Pastor Furtick used an illustration of his 3 year old son being afraid of bugs. He shared that the bug was so small compared to the size of his son, that he was so big compared to his son, and that God is so enormous compared to any of our problems. However, Furtick wanted to eradicate his son’s fear of insects because he was a male and males shouldn’t be afraid of bugs. He then poked fun at himself for exercising to a yoga video and curling weight to show his manhood to his son. It was all very lighthearted and not intended to be mean, but it brings up the question as to what it means to be a man.
I know of some women that can out-lift me in the weight room. I also know of women that are better leaders than I am and also many that make way more money a year than I do. I also know women that aren’t afraid of bugs (including my wife). Does that make them men?
I could go on-and-on and cite Biblical references as to what role men are to play in the home and in the church. However, I want to put this into a purely societal context in the year 2009. I truly believe my reference for manhood has been dramatically changed from what other males are going through today. My dad was the sole provider for our household when I was growing up. He taught me how to throw a baseball, shoot a gun, catch fish, how to punch someone in a fight, the proper way for a manly handshake, and reinforced over and over again in a loud, manly voice about how boys aren’t supposed to cry. As a man, I was never to show weakness of any kind. My dad was a man’s man! He was a hard working middle class guy that worked hard to support a family and instill character in his (adopted) sons. He was also a Mr. Fix-it kinda guy. With his help and the help of our neighbor who was a mechanic, I rebuilt the engine in my car at age 18.
I get lots of comments (from men & women both) about my firm handshake when I meet them. People are amazed at my ability to grab some tools and fix almost anything. Some can even see through my current fat exterior and see that I used to lift weight and was very muscular. Do these things make me a man?
I remember a time in my seminary when we visited a mega church in Arizona with a pastor that specifically targeted men for his church. He told us that churches were feminine because it was mostly women that attended services. Lots of flowers, pleasant songs, picnics, etc. He called out a guy that was pretty metrosexual in our class and jokingly (on not so jokingly) used him as an example of what this was doing to men. We as men were becoming girly. In order to attract men to the church, men needed to do events like Nascar screenings, sporting event ministries, and car shows. Funny thing is, less than a year later the metrosexual person this pastor called out in our classroom was solicited to become a worship leader at his church.
Now, I don’t have sons, but I honestly believe that if I had I would have wanted them to be manly and play sports and be tough. However, I don’t see a lot of that in the younger generations today. Gender is becoming very neutral in some ways. Men on American Idol are being talked about based on what eyeliner (aka “guyliner”) they use. Men don’t seem to be as adept at fixing cars, mowing lawns, catching fish or being strong. Women on the other hand have become more independent, physically stronger, and not afraid to challenge the leadership of men in some situations. We even had Hillary Clinton make a very strong run to be the Democratic Party’s nominee for president of the US last year.
Is being afraid of bugs really considered a true test of manliness in 2009? Call me old fashioned, but I really think we in America are suffering from the loss of gender roles. Not in the context of whether men are better-equipped to do something than women–this has nothing to do with equality. I just think that with all the strides forward our nation has taken in the last 20 years to be more equal between the sexes, that we are now moving toward a homologous, gender-neutral society where there is less distinction between the sexes. Gone are the days where Tom Selleck, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood or John Wayne are looked upon as overtly masculine and appealing. The qualities that made them manly men are insignificant. The qualities that my dad instilled in me seem to be dying.
Is a gender neutral world really what we should be striving for? What are the implications when sex/gender no longer have any insignificance in our society? Am I the only one giving thought to this in our society?
No related posts.
Without getting too mixed up between the theological placement of men and society’s view and expectation of the male role, I thought I’d share. Often when I think of what a man should be, I think about the men of the Greatest Generation, who, when attacked by the Japanese, took to their local army recruitment centers and joined a war against two impossible enemies (The German war machine, and the impenetrable Japanese navy). These men died and gave their lives because they believed in their country and knew when to exact their roles, even if it meant dying.
We may not have any wars to fight these days, but I wonder if men still believe in anything. Most of the young men I know care only about having fun, going to clubs, and engaging in sex or drugs. They want to be rockstars without actually learning the importance of an art or instrument.
Back when I was involved in Mixed Martial Arts (specifically, Brazilian jujitsu and muay thai kickboxing) we used to get posers all the time who looked the role (Tap Out shirts, tattoos all over, ripped and huge), but couldn’t last two hours in the gym. After about fifteen minutes of getting owned on the mat, they’d pick up their things and leave, never to return.
But does sports and trade equal a man? Not exactly. I think a real man sacrifices in any way that he can to exact his role. A real fighter sacrifices his time and body at the gym and on the mat to become a champion. He may not win, but he overcomes his fear of strenous exercise, overcomes the suffering of his body, and retains the respect of his peers. That’s why we always hug in MMA. We know what the other guy has gone through to get here. There’s no animosity… everything else is creative marketing.
A real man sacrifices to feed his family. A real man sacrifices his life so his brothers can live. I real man gives up his freedom so that we can thrive as a nation. A real man suffers and doesn’t complain. A real man goes out of his way to make sure you’re taken care of. And of course, a real man knows what love is – not the exterior love of lust you see on MTV – but the real love that Christ showed the church and the world when He gave His life, innocently and for all eternity.
Women will be women, and men will always be men. It’s in our genetic make up. Women want equality but they complain when we don’t pick up the tab. We’ll always be a world of two sexes, and I don’t have a problem with that.
Tim: Your MMA reference was a good one as I have been in situations where I see guys present a front and then quit when it isn’t fun anymore. The military reference was great as well, however I think that is more about patriotism and less about manliness these days since men and women both serve.
Where I think we disagree is that I don’t think women will always be women and men will always be men because I think the lines have been blurred as to what that means. Women are becoming more empowered and being respected as leaders such as Hillary Clinton and even Meg Whitman, former CEO of ebay that is now supposedly looking to run for governor of California. They are taking on what have been traditionally thought of as roles for men. Some men are also staying at home with the kids while their wives work, which has been traditionally thought of a the role of a woman. There is too much going on that negates the previous rules of gender. With men and women being almost interchangeable in things these days and with the increasing attention to homosexuality and bisexuality, I think we are headed for a homogeneous nation where gender is a neutral issue. It seems like the politically correct was of our country right now.
Perhaps my definition and assumptions of leader roles differ from yours. I’ve lived in a world where women have always been in power in terms of politics. And where men have always been home to raise their children. Perhaps to me, the total definition of gender roles has less to do with power and position/roles, as it does with character.
True the men who took up arms in the second world war did so due to patriotism. But that notion might have been born out of a manly ideal that was taught to them by their fathers (to be proud of the union of United States). You ask any 16 year old today if they’d be willing to fight for their country, and they become stoutly defiant.
I remember hearing Adam Carolla talk about his two twin toddlers, both opposite sexes. He was describing his boy as a child who wanted to be left alone to tinker and play with his toy trains. That his boy resembled him – someone who just wanted to work on something with tools and to be kept alone. As opposed to his daughter, who loved make up, and dresses. He described how he would kiss his children before leaving work and his girl would be defiant. She’d run away. Until his nanny, a large woman of south american decent, (whom esentially raised his children), would say to the little girl “He’s my daddy. And I want to kiss him!” Then his little girl would get jealous, and she’d want to kiss her daddy. The nanny would play along and say, “No! He’s my daddy, and I want to kiss him!” But again, the little girl would come up to Adam and kiss him, then look at the maid with that female “He’s mine and not yours!” look. This happened every day.
So when I hear of something like that (I dont have any children yet, and may never), I take into consideration the reality of differences in gender roles. Much of this can be described in child psychology.
That being said, I’m not sure I’m ready to date a woman that looks like you, Dave! :)
Tim: I would agree that our perspective is probably a little different because you are of a generation younger than me.
As the father of two daughters, I can say that I taught them how to fish and fix things. I even just got a phone call from my 19 year old asking me how to make fried chicken. There are many things that are taught to them in a gender neutral way, such as cooking or sports. My youngest daughter wants to be a police detective, which is another of those roles that was almost exclusively for men as I was growing up.
As for military service, I remember the story of Pat Tillman and how he left the NFL to go overseas and fight to defend his nation in Iraq, eventually being killed in the line of duty. That is the kind of thing I grew up with that I do not see much of anymore and may never see again. I do agree with you in that sense.
In the end, it’s not about position or character in my mind. It’s about losing distinction between who men and women are. When we compete for the same jobs, are attracted to the same people, have interchangeable family roles, etc. it leads me to believe that eventually it will come down to our physical anatomy being the only defining aspect of our gender. Even homosexual couples are adopting children or using donor sperm with no clear roles of father or mother in the traditional sense.
Great discussion Dave (and Tim too).
Sarah Sumner’s book “Men and Women in the Church” is a very good read on this subject, though related more directly to our roles in the Church. Sumner makes the case that talent and gifting is not gender based, but is based on the plan God has for our lives.
Having said that, I did raise my son to know that men open doors for other people (not just ladies), they love deeply and sacrifice willingly for those they love and those in need. Men respect others and are polite. Strong men don’t intimidate weaker people. And men are crazy about children. Oh yeah, and real men know global warming is all about the hype, but may not care too much for spiders :-)
David: Your summary of men is a great one! While we tend to think of masculine, strong traits for men in our generation there are also things we learned such as opening doors for others, being polite and respectful, etc. There are definitely many facets to being a man, just as there are for women as well. I think there is beauty in the distinction of gender and why we exist as male and female separately.
Thank you for your insight on this topic, Mr. Anti-Global Warming Hype Manly Man!
Dave I too miss the old heros and old days of John Wayne, Dirty Harry, but my favorite movie of all time was To sir with love which I think we see the importance of a manly man in students lives. Another movie I think that is great is which I really think shows the impact of the loss of a man in a young boy’s life is Boy’s In the Hood. I have been and always will be a big rocky movie fan it came out just as I was getting into weights, and of course I got into the raw eggs and one arm pushups.
My father was a staff master sargent in the army so he was tough, disciplined and courageous; needless to say he instilled those traits in me.
We have made the church where only white collar man as a whole go and roughnecks have a hard time fitting in. Funny Christ himself was a roughneck who though he chose both white collar and roughnecks his closest friends were roughnecks, Peter, James, and John.
I think scripture is very clear on the role of the man and the woman right from point of creation to the fall even to Ephesians 6.
Yet as roughnecked as I am and having spent most of my life in the construction field, still remember the day my wife said to me “I never though I would see the day my husband’s would not be calloused. I think I have been guilty of being one of those who blended the genres as many of my customers referred to me as a metro sexual because of how artistic and creative I am. In fact I recently left a comment on someones blog and they said to tell my wife thank you for the compliment. I remarked my wife didn’t leave the compliment, I did. OH, sorry most men don’t write like that.
Yet, perhaps that is the problem we are trying to say a man should do this or that or be this or that, when actually we should be saying does the man exhibit characterisics God says a man should have. For me before I got sick, I was an avid surfer, outdoorsman, weightlifter, and usually the leader in any group of men I was with. Yet as one of my friends said once who would have guessed this big ox could play with colors like he does.
Great points Dave don’t know if my comments added or confused just sharing my heart on a well written and great post.