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This song from my childhood was on my mind last night. It reminds me of my current situation. I feel like I’m continually moving in a circle, revolving around and never breaking out of my rut. It’s been a lonely and sometimes desparate place for me.

Yesterday I gave my last sermon before my home church. Oddly enough, after all that I had done to prepare myself for the ministry of preaching in the past 3 years, I feel at peace with knowing I won’t be preaching in the near future. It’s been a struggle. I’ve been influenced by what I think people want to see and hear from me, while at the same time trying to be unconventional in a conventional church setting.

The wheels of the bus kept going ’round and ’round and it seems no one wanted to stop and get off. Well, I finally made the decisions that I needed to seek change. My last 3 years of ministry have been quite a journey. I’ve learned a lot, grown a lot, and slid backwards a lot. Most of the times I felt like the proverbial square peg trying to be pushed into the round hole. I have nothing but positive to things to say from my experience and I am so very appreciative that my senior pastor gave me room to spread my wings and fly when most wouldn’t even respect my calling due to my limited experience in church and my only being a Christian for about 4 years.

There is one thing I’ve learned in my years of working in the secular world, and that is to not go to work out of obligation or to show up being less-than-enthusiastic. I won’t allow myself nor those in God’s church to be exposed to my ministry if this is what I am bringing. After 3 years of never missing a Sunday or being able to get away for a family vacation, I felt the pressure of burnout. My life was out of balance. My eyes were firmly fixed on planting a church at all costs and ignoring those things that God had put before me today. I kept moving toward the finish line, yet feeling like my legs were tied together and I was not getting very far. It could keep going and expend a ton of energy and continue to be frustrated, or I can just stop and untie my legs, learn to walk with both legs working in unison and get them pointed in the right direction, and then be assured of finishing the race with the strength that Christ equips me with.

The diffifulty in all of this is finding it so difficult to find people that are in my network that truly understand the missional church and how leading a missional church is so different from leading an attractional church or a traditional church where people are taught the word of God, yet not really called upon to commit anything to action. I want to challenge people and ask them to commit to a life of faith with me! I want people to challenge me and ask me to commit to a life of faith with them! I feel a deep desire and longing to be the church and to share the love of Christ with those that do not know him. I feel now is the time to get things in order within my household and to wait on God to show me the way to honoring him and reaching his people for Christ. It’s as if it’s part of my DNA and I can’t shake it even if I want to. It’s time for me to enter into the next phase of my journey and I need to stand firm with the belt of truth around my waist, the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. Lord, I come to you humbled, broken and sorrowful, yet I am hopeful that you will speak to me and show me the way to be led back to you.

Father God, I am sorry for getting to the place where the wheels on the bus went ’round and ’round. I ask your forgiveness for not being renewed daily and letting you transform my mind and spirit for the sake of your precious gospel. Lord, I cannot pretend anymore and I do not want to cause your children to stumble. As I remove myself from ministry for the sake of humbling myself and learning to trust you and seek you and not believe in my own strength, would you please surround me with people that will help me to be held accountable and to monitor my spiritual health? Will you put some people in our path so that my wife and I can learn to love each other as Christ loves us so that we can walk the path of this journey together in harmony and peace so that you may use us to help see lives transformed and love to fill the hearts of our community? As you draw us close to you, may you connect us with others that are passionate for your church, sympathetic to our struggles, and witnesses to standing upon faith. Cause us to put all things at the foot of the cross and to be burdened only for those things that you place upon our hearts. Make us one, in our marriage, in our family, in our city, in this world. In the name of Jesus, amen.