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The winner of my american idol is…oh my there are two winners: the church and technology! Congratulations to the winners as they have successfully uprooted God in my life and have been worshipped in ways that I am not proud of.

I read a post a couple of weeks ago on Vince Antonucci’s blog about idolatrizing the church. You can read the post here. He was more focused on speaking about how pastors feel they need the church to grow in order to give them purpose and value. I don’t see my value or worth in the church, but I do feel like it gives me purpose. Additionally, I feel as if all of my hard work in learning how and when to use technology also leads to my purpose. I’m to mesh technology and the church in relevant ways to bring the gospel of Christ into the community and reach those that don’t know or won’t trust in Jesus. Notice the glaring error in the previous statement? Read it again. I begin the sentence with “I’m” almost as if it is up to me and has nothing to do with God. I don’t believe it’s up to me, but somedays I think and do things that reflect that maybe I do believe it’s up to me. In a word, I believe this is idolatry. I’m in essence worshipping things in my life and putting them before God.

What happens when one puts things in front of God? Well, in my case, it has put my life in a stand still and may be actually taking all of the postive steps forward and causing me to retreat and re-group.

God has granted some amazing talents and abilities during my lifetime, even when I did not believe he existed. Although I experienced some failures along the way, there were far more successes in my past that allowed me be strong and perseverent. God was shaping and molding me to move in faith and start a church plant. It was clear to me within days after being born again and coming into the presence of the Lord. It was as if all that I had gone through was leading me to leading a church plant and therefore it is that process that gave me purpose. Eventually, the purpose seemed to take a stronghold in my life and it became more about what I was doing to achieve the goal rather than what God wanted me to do today. Technology was a big part of that as well as I spent long hours blending sermons and order of service to perfection with technology.

Sure, I prayed a lot. Yes, I put things on hold because I felt that God wasn’t ready to move me forward. However, the focus has always been about planting a church and everything about the process of doing this has taken center stage in my life.

The sad reality is that I truly believe I am called to do the work I am doing, yet my being out of balance could ruin the opportunity. It’s become a divisive issue in my household and when my wife isn’t inline with my timing I tend to push things because I’ve worked so hard and am so, so close to the launch date. Again, the word “I” becomes prevalent. Is it what I want, or is it what God wants? Was it all just a learning process or an exercise like Abraham ready to sacrifice Isaac as a show of faith, or what? Would God move me along this process and get me to my goal only to take me out and have me do something else? Yes, it’s possible and yes, I need to look to God and listen to his voice and follow his lead.

My most-beloved friend was taken away from me a couple of months ago. It was my Mac Powerbook notebook computer. We’d done so much ministry work together. It was always there for me and ready to get me out of any jam. When I needed some help to illustrate a point or something to make people laugh, it was ready with video and audio…it had my back! Then, one day in service the computer fell to the ground and the screen went dead. If that wasn’t enough, it fell to the floor a second time in the same service. Dead screen, no more sound…it was as if the world had ended!

Things don’t seem to be ready to move forward with planting a church right now. Technology doesn’t seem to have a place in sermons anymore because my Mac is not by my side these days. I realize that I don’t need the church or technology to give me passion for God and his people. I need to have passion for his people and his church because of God’s will, not for God’s pleasure. He must be the one thing driving every aspect of the process. If he’s not getting my wife passionate about it–even though her words have told me she supported the project–I have to learn to trust the signs and seek to love her more and give her space and let God reveal himself rather than push forward believing he will be honored and glorified through my focus and steadfastness.

God, my life is in your hands. My heart is at your mercy. My household is crumbling and I seek your foundation in our lives. Bring me back into your grace and use me in any way, for any thing. I want to be your light and your salt to anyone that will see and hear your son Jesus through me. For now, I wait patiently for your direction and pray for the wisdom and discernment to know your voice and to respond appropriately. May I never again put anything ahead of you, ever.